What I Think About: Having Nothing To Say

My mom died Sunday night.

It was scary.  It was beautiful.  It was heartbreaking.  It was relief.  It made me angry. It made me sad.  It made me feel numb.  It made me feel broken.

It left me with nothing to say.

Sometimes it's okay to pour your heart out.  Other times, it's okay to have nothing to say.

I read once that silence tells as much of a story as the words.  Please hear what I'm not saying.

Days of Play: First Day of School

My eldest child is starting kindergarden TODAY.

Excuse me while I break into tears and pour a glass of wine (that's okay at 9:30 a.m. this one day only, right?).

The only thing I wanna do now is memorialize this moment--like with a handprint.

Here are some ideas:

Palm Apple

To make this, you get a piece of white paper and red paint.  Paint just the PALM of your kiddo's hand and put it on the paper.  Add the stem and leaf.  Wa La--first day of school print.

Of course you could make the classic apple tree.  I think just looking at this photo is description enough.

I guess plan C is to refuse to send your child to school.  {Sigh} Fine.  I'll stick with the apple prints.

(In other fun news today is my parent's wedding anniversary AND my brother-in-law's birthday!)

Music Monday: The Northern Way

Welcome to my new musical addiction: The Northern Way.

The Northern Way is an unsigned band from Denver, Colorado.  They have a rock/pop sound that isn't always my favorite but I kinda love 'em. They are sort of a Fray sound with John Mayer soul. Give it a listen. If you don't like them, leave me a nasty comment.

Crazy



The One



Throwing Rocks



Love 'em and wanna know more? Click THIS LINK

Fashion Friday: Zebra Cardie

I went thrifting with my sister last Saturday and bought this delightfully eclectic zebra print cardigan.

I can't wait to wear it.

Here are two outfits I'm pondering ...


For Work (which starts on the 23rd--YIKES! What happened to summer?)

Pumps by Forever 21
Shoulder Bags by Forever 21

For Play (am I mixing browns and blacks? You know it!)

Skinny Denim by Gap
Flats by Forever 21

Apparently I like my zebra print with colors along the red line ...

I feel like I should have a "What's black and white and red all over" joke but I'll spare you the pain and me the humiliation.

You can thank me later.

Things I Love: Pinterest

Do you Pinterest?

Do you know what Pinterest is?

Essentially it's a place where people world-wide can create boards by category and post interesting photos, recipes, fashion ideas ...

What I love about Pinterest is that you can practically finish the internet without having to actually go to every site.

I love using Pinterest to find craft and DIY ideas.

If you don't Pinterest, START TODAY!

---->CLICK THIS LINK<----

Oh, and find Reagan and follow me :)  

What I Think About: When She is Dying

In the middle of my sister's landscaped yard there is a rouge plant growing.  Chaotic, yellow flowers grow off green stems standing this way and that.  It is small now, that mustard weed, but if left to its own devices it will spread and take over the yard.  Soon it will be sprayed and killed.  For now the children regard it as lovely and bees flit about it gently getting nourishment from yellow buds.

I've just finished reading and doing my morning quiet time.  My heart is conflicted.  Hurting.  Tears fill my eyes but won't flow over.  I will control my emotions.  I will be strong.

She will die soon, my mother.  Each day she loses more functions.  She can't walk.  She can't talk.  Eating is nearly impossible.  She remembers little except that she is dying.  She cries when her grandchildren dance around her in laughter.  She will miss so much.  She will be missed so much.

I move about the house in preparation--cleaning floors, washing jam handprints off of windows, scrubbing toilets.  I'm deceived--convinced that if I just keep moving then everything will be okay.  If I don't stop then the reality of what is happening right now won't really hit me.  I'll just keep doing.  If I just keep controlling then I will outlast the brokenness heading my direction.  If I can just keep myself numb I won't feel the pain--from regret--from goodbye--from memories of things that were--from heart break over things that will never be. I am deceived.

This yard is pristine.  The stones around the house are worn, rounded, comfortable. I can cross them barefoot without pain or discomfort.  The lawn is plush and green and beckons small bottoms to sit a while and hunt for fairies during a picnic lunch.

Yet just beyond the property line is a rebel force of weeds fighting to overtake the landscaped oasis.  One small weed has begun its infiltration.  I look at that weed and the ones just beyond.  That is where the bees are.  There is life in those weeds.  I'm sure there is life under the grass, crawling and gnawing in darkness.  But in the light, life is in the weeds.

And yet we kill those weeds.  We dig them and spray them and suck the life out of them because life isn't always pretty.  It isn't tame.  It is chaotic. And we don't like that.  It's not what we want.

It's not what I want.

Control.  Control. Control.

I move in hurried motions--in furious sweeps controlling everything I can.  I make the yard look perfect so no one knows the inside is dirty.  Keep moving doing little jobs so no one recognizes the task I really need to tackle.  I control the situation--a gardener keeping weeds at bay.

But what if this is wrong?  There is life in those weeds. Perhaps what I view as ugly is really beauty being offered to my life ... a simple gift.  Perhaps what I deem chaos is meant to bring me to my knees so I can see the peace and joy in life.  Perhaps that which I seek to kill is meant to give me life.

Hope. Joy. Blessing. Peace. Righteousness. Happiness.

Are these the weeds I kill in my life because they come at me in odd packages?  Do I destroy gifts in my self-righteous anger or stern-set stubbornness? Do I miss them because they aren't what I want, when I want them?

Do I refuse to accept the goodness meant for me because it might change the environment I wish to control?  Because it might change me?

The wind blows and that lone weed sways its straggly arms in the wind--hands raised in praise.  Reaching for the light.  Providing life.

Am I missing something?  I feel as though I am missing everything.

Three children rush outside to play breaking my quiet time with squeals of delight.  Pigtails, dresses, and blond heads bob about.  They rush past the smooth stones.  They ignore the sparkling water in the pool.  They ignore the soft grasses against their bare feet.

They head straight for the weeds beyond--tall and yellow.  They enter chaos with eagerness.  They seek life.  Horned toads.  Butterflies.  Lady bugs.  They seek life and they find it--beyond that manicured lawn.  Beyond borders of control. Beyond green lawns and patio furniture and comfort zones, they find life.

In this sad time those children are filled with awe and joy and wonder because they aren't trying to cultivate a "perfect" life.  They aren't trying to control emotions.  They wander in faith, spirits free, hearts abandoned beyond that which they can control. And they. find. life.

I look back at that lone weed and I can't help but hope she brings her friends and that the wildness of this life will take over my tame heart and restore it anew.

Oh my goodness ... Thank you Shell at Things I Can't Say for letting me Pour My Heart Out EVERY Wednesday!

Days Of Play: Sidewalk Chalk Paint

So Sarah from Frontier Kitchen and I are pretty good friends.  (Insert shocked face and "duh" comment here).

Anyhow, one good thing about having a good friend who also blogs is that you tend to share good blogs you find.  It's kinda like Pintrest but with people I know.

Sarah just recently told me about this blog that has tons of fun food ideas, craft ideas ... man, it's awesome.

I have a feeling I'll be highlighting a lot of her work but the first fun idea that I saw and loved was sidewalk chalk paint.  This may or may not be an obsession because I have a big driveway and sidewalk expanse behind my house.

Whip up a batch of fun today!

-----> CLICK THIS LINK FOR DIRECTIONS <----

Photo from Meet the Dubiens

Music Monday: 80s Re-Do

I pretty much love the 80s.

Skinny jeans.  Neon colors.  Bold watches.  Bleached hair.

Wait ... that actually sounds like today's styles.

In my opinion you can't beat 80s songs like Come on Eileen, Abracadabra, 99 Red Balloons, 867-5309, and White Wedding.

Much as I love the 80s, there is some room for improvement and I'm not against 80s remakes.  So today, enjoy some of my fave 80s re-dos.

My Darkest Days version of Come Undone (originally by DuranDuran)

P.S. This is not the "real" video. This video is lame. Just listen.



Cary Brothers version of If You Were Here (originally of Thompson Twins)

Please let this take you back to the days of 16 Candles.



Reel Big Fish Take On Me (originally by Aha!)



Please tell me I'm not the only one who wants to peg my pants and wear a lot of bangles after listening to this ...

Things I Love: Keurig Brewer

Keurig Brewer kinda sound like the name of a serial killer, no?

You are welcome for that random thought.

I don't like coffee BUT I love hot drinks.  Nonetheless, when my dad got my a Keurig Brewer I was a little skeeved out.  What does a non-coffee drinker do with it, after all?

Turns out, you make tea and cocoa and all sorts of yummy hotness.  (Yummy hotness is also another way I'd refer to my husband--but you can't buy him so there's no need to tempt you).

Photo Source

I'm keeping this short and sweet.  I love my Keurig Brewer.  It gets my one cup of tea made fast and it's piping hot and ready to wake me up just when I need it.

The end.

Stay tuned for more rambling nonsense about serial killers later.  I actually do have a story about a lecture with photos of legs in freezers and people hanging from meathooks ... but that's neither here nor there.

Trust me on the brewer!

What I Think About: Being Grateful For the Dark

Sitting outside this August day it is warm and gray.  It rained last night and the scent lingers refreshing the earth.  Refreshing me.

Down the hill life is being lived in cookie cutter homes.  Cars leave slowly for work.  A nail gun pat-pat-pats new shingles onto a roof.  Around the corner children imagine and giggle.

The sun peeks out from behind a cloud and warms my arms.  A gentle breeze across my skin whispers relief.

I sit reading.  Watching the children.  Drinking in the morning with each splash of Earl gray on my tongue. These are my favorite days when it is dark and gray with only hints of sunlight.  More than a physical break from the heat, the gray is a relief to my soul.

Sometimes on gray days I'm so sad I cannot stand it.  And the darkness is my excuse and no one would question what put the sadness in my eyes for we all assume that it is the missing sun that has us so blue.  The way thunder masks a breaking heart or rain disguises tears, dark days hide the heart under a cloak of gray so we can be broken without explanation.  The reason for our brokenness is assumed.

There is truth on these cloudy days.  It is darker to be sure.  Dark because the clouds have taken over the sun.  Dark because my heart is troubled and I'm angry and I feel forsaken, forgotten, and faithless.  I want to lash out and cry in my anger and frustration.  Then the sun peeks out and I remember.

Even when I can't see it, the sun is there.  Behind those dark clouds its presence cannot be denied.  And the clouds cannot overcome it.  They are here for but a moment but the sun remains fixed and firm--whether I see it or not.

Perhaps I see it better, more clearly when it is dark.  In darkness, light is so much more obvious.

Those sunny days when the light beats down and warms me are good for the spirit--good for showing the way.  But dark days, when the sky is overcast and my soul is more so, are honey on my lips for they provide the visible analogy for the war in my heart.

There is dark.  There will always be dark.  But there is also light.  There will always be light and the darkness can never, ever overcome it.  Peace is mine on the gray day because the sun is there, providing enough light to get through the day.

Enough warmth to remind me that though things are not okay, there is a way.

I am grateful for this dark time.  I trust the light so much more.

Music Monday: Rooney

Rooney.

Ed Rooney.

Ring a bell?

Um ya, he's just the world's worst principal from Ferris Buellar's Day Off.

Principal Rooney was so epic that a band named themselves after him.  Epic I'm telling you.

So the lead singer from Rooney is TOTALLY the Lily's M&M on pizza brother from The Princess Diaries.  Forget his acting.  Listen to his music.

You're about to be transported to an 80s sound with a 21st feel.

When Did Your Heart Go Missing?




If you liked that, try I Should've Been After You.

Friday Fashion: A Trend I Hope Slithers Away Soon

I'm all about animal print.  A little leopard shoe, belt, or scarf can add serious WOW factor to any outfit.  A little zebra says I'm sassy but sophisticated.

This fall, look out for snake print.  It's gonna be the new hot animal print.

I have a confession.

I hate snake print.  

I feel oddly better admitting that.

I think my disdain of this particular pattern stems from a huge fear and loathing of the slithery little guys.  I don't want to wear anything that would make my husband (who is uber scared of snakes) to jump onto the counter screeching like a scared child.

However, we are all different so if you insist on wearing snake print the same rules for other animal prints follow.

1.  If your main piece is an animal print, keep everything else S.I.M.P.L.E.!

Shortsleeve Tops by Monrow
Leggings by Old Navy

2.  Use small pieces--like a belt, shoe, or bag, to add drama to an otherwise causal outfit.

Sleeveless Tops by Gap
Flats by Mossimo

3. Wear animal prints to the office, to church, for work and for play.  Don't be afraid to pair patterns!

Button Front Tops by Old Navy
Flare Denim by Gap

Some other looks you might love (excuse me while I throw up).

Sleeveless Tops by Asos
Sandals by Johnston & Murphy

Things I Love: Coconut-Lime Shrimp

Okay so I really like to leave all the cooking-blog stuff to the pros--like Sarah from Frontier Kitchen but every now and then I whip up something magical and I have to share it.

The problem is that unlike cooking blogs, I never take pictures of what I'm cooking so all I can do is give you the ingredients and directions.

I stand behind the yumminess of this recipe 110%. Even without the "look at me" eye-catching photos, you should try this!

What You'll Need

• The juice and zest of one lime
• 2 minced cloves of garlic
• 1/3 c. chopped cilantro
• 1/2 c. unsweetened shredded coconut
• 1/4 c. olive oil
• 1/2 c. coconut milk (the kind in the can)
• 1/4 c. soy sauce
• 1 pound raw shrimp peeled and deveined
• skewers (soak wood ones in water)

What To Do:

1. In a food processor or blender, combine all ingredients except shrimp.  Blend until thick and smooth(ish).
2. Pour marinade over shrimp.  Cover and refrigerate at least 45 minutes (but the longer the better).
3. Put 4-5 shrimp on a skewer.
4. Lightly spray grill so shrimp won't stick.
5. Grill over low heat until pink and cooked through.
6. I served this with coconut quinoa stuffed peppers.  Mmmm!  

**Make sure to toss the marinade.  We don't use marinades that had raw meat in it.  That's yucky!**

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What I Think About: "Because I Said So!"

My parents have no gray hairs and I consider this to be a miracle because to say I was a bit of a hard kid is akin to saying the Grand Canyon is a little crack.  Seriously, every day I parent I'm amazed my parents did drown me or leave me in the wilderness or donate me to science.

As a kid, I talked--a lot!  Incessantly, really.  I'm sure you can't tell.  I mean, it's definitely not a habit I've continued ... oh wait.

I'm digressing.

One thing I couldn't stand as a child (and more specifically, a teenager) was when my parents said, "Because I said so."  Seriously, what kind of logic is that? I vowed that when I was a mom I'd never say those four little words.

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I've recently started breaking that vow.

My name is Reagan and I tell my kids "because I said so."

Sometime I feel guilty about this.  You see, I want to logically explain to my children why I must say no or why we simply can't do or have everything they want.  I've taken this route and the more I explain, they more questions they have.  At the end of some circular debate they are angry, I'm irritated, and we generally can't remember what the offending question was to begin with.

Anyhow a few weeks ago I tired of all this circular logic talk and I broke out the big guns. BECAUSE I SAID SO.

The second those four little words slipped out of my mouth I felt ill-at-ease for using them.  But you know what happened?  My daughter accepted that answer.  WHAT?  All this logic never works but that does?  You've got to be kidding me?!?!

So I've started to say it more.  I'm not gonna lie, sometimes those words fall on deaf ears. Some times they inspire tantrums and revolts.  But thus far they haven't led to a cyclical debate (I'm sure that will happen soon).

Here's the reason I really don't feel guilty.  Sometimes rules and laws get changed on adults and we don't get reasons.  No one explains the logic to us.  We are still expected to comply because "they" (who is they by the way?) say so.  For example, I live in Wyoming where the speed limit on I-80 is 75 mph but when I cross into the state of Nebraska, the speed limit on the same interstate in 70 mph.  There's no reasoning posted.  No one explains the logic.  That's just the way it is and if I don't follow what they say, I'll have to pay for it.

I think that's how it goes for our kids.  We have reasons for the limits we set on them; we do not have to engage them in a debate about why those limits are set.  We are not parenting my committee.

What I think is that sometimes using "because I said so" is a perfectly legitimate parenting tactic.  In general I still think it is a good idea to talk and logically explain situations to kids.  But I don't feel guilty when I utter those dreaded words.

And you shouldn't either.

What to read the random heart-pourings of others?  Click this button and head over to Things I Can't Say! Thanks, Shell!

Days of Play: Swim Party

Tomorrow I am hosting a swim day for my mom's group.  YAY!

I mean, who doesn't love a perfectly good excuse to get into a swimsuit (that you may or may not have cried over when you were buying it because swim suit shopping is an emotional affair) and expose unsuspecting friends to blaring white legs?

Okay, so maybe doing the slip-n-slide in your 30s isn't a dream come true but talk about a memory maker.

So, send a text or e-mail to the folks you'll let see you in a swim suit, fill up that kiddie pool, break out the sprinkler, slather on sunscreen and spend a hot morning playing in too cold water, smiling, and warming up in the sun.

Now for my kids, simply being able to play in the water is treat enough BUT if you have older kids and want to do a bit more entertaining, I suggest clicking THIS link (<---click that) to go to Family Fun Magazine online where they have 3 fun wading pool games.

Enjoy fun in the sun.  School will be here soon and you'll wish someone made you get into a swim suit.  Trust me!

Music Monday--Matt and Kim

Every now and then I get a little blue and if I need a little musical cheer, this is SO the song I turn on.  It's really cheery.  Plus, I lived in a town with Grand Street and I've actually walked down Grand in the daylight more times than I count.  A good memory can always cheer a sad spirit.

So, for today's MUST ADD THIS SONG TO YOUR iPOD I submit

Daylight by Matt and Kim.

Date Night {OUT}: Golf Date

Here's the thing.  I don't golf.  At all.

To be fair I've never really tried but I figure when you're bad at mini-golf, you probably shouldn't be able to launch a hard ball across a course.

I'm gonna stick to mini-golf.

Now to be fair, this might sound like a lame date but really, how often do you take your spouse mini-golfing?  Plus, there's a twist (there generally is).

To Prep:

• Find a babysitter for your date night.  Plan to have your sitter for at least 3 hours
• The morning of the date, send your husband a text or e-mail that says "you are the one FORE me!"
• Get two 5 dollar bills.

Date Time

• Wear something cute but causal.
• Now, drive to a dollar store.  Give your hubby 5 dollars and set the timers on your phones for 5 minutes.  Now, go inside and buy each other costume ideas to wear for the whole date (ideas: bright red lipstick, antennae, hula skirt, crazy sunglasses, etc.). **Thanks to Randean for this idea**
• Meet in the car and give your spouse their costume items.  Get in full gear.
• Head to the mini-golf course, pay the entrance fee.  Ignore the strange looks you get from people.  This is your date time and nothing on earth compares to the uniqueness of your relationship so you might as well look like it!
• Now explain that "par" shot gets the person a big kiss.  A hole-in-one earns a 5 minute shoulder rub.  The winner gets a full body massage.  
• Play.  I suggest giggling, teasing, and competitive jesting.
• Afterwards go out for ice cream and then head home to either give or receive a massage.

Things I Love: Damn You Auto Correct

A couple of months back my husband was out of town and a friend wanted to know if I wanted to hang out.  We sent a few texts back and forth and all of a sudden I get this message: The gang bang starts at 7:00.

To which I replied, "I think I'll pass."

Of course "gang bang" is NOT at all what my friend was inviting me to.  She got auto corrected.

Another friend sent a text to me that said nothing but "hag."  She meant haha.

Finally, I send a text to a friend to see if she wanted to get together for a platypus.  Um, I meant play date.

Auto correct on phones is a funny thing.  In fact, there's a whole website dedicated to the funny and naughty things auto correct can make us "say."

Have you ever been on Damn You Auto Correct?

If you haven't, GO.  It is so funny.  I can literally read them for hours on end and I laugh so hard that I cry and threaten to wet myself.

**DISCLAIMER** This website contains foul language and crude comments.  If you are sensitive to these, skip this site!

Be prepared to end up with some classic one liners!  Some of my faves: TGI Fibromyalgia, I am Asparagus, and Hit the Haitians.

Need a good laugh, click here!

What I Think About: An Attitude Change

My mom has been flailing under her CADASIL diagnosis and we are all starting to feel like her time with us is getting shorter and shorter.

My name is Reagan and I'm a complete mess.

Emotionally I have these awesome roller coaster days where I'm bouncing off the walls with hope and optimism and then something will happen (like an insurance commercial) and suddenly I'm a blubbering wreck.

Physically I'm still recovering from surgery and haven't been able to run or rock climb or ride my bike.  I'm frustrated at how slow I'm healing.

Spiritually I'm angry and withdrawn.  Sometimes I just feel like prayers don't get answered and that God is far away.

Then the other day K-Love played this song (and I don't love K-Love.  Way FM or Air One is more my thing but for "some reason" K-Love was on in my car.  Have I mentioned my kids play with the radio?).

Watch this.



How is it possible that one song can encourage and convict?

I felt so encouraged to be gently reminded that God is good and that He is working all things out for my good.

I was convicted by my bad attitude.  I've been so quick to wallow in my pain and disappointment and frustration to realize how much my mom's illness has made me lean on The Word.

I've been so quick to mourn my pending loss that I lost sight of the ways God comforts me with kind words from friends.  Gentle breezes to to refresh me.  Mercies new every day.

I've been so focused on my anger that I didn't recognize how my anger makes me vulnerable, broken and open before God.

Nothing else in my life has ever made me humble myself before God, depend on God, cry out to God, and trust God quite like struggling with my mom's illness.

This is a merciful time.

Don't get me wrong--in my flesh I hate every minute of this but I'm beginning to see God's grace even in the bad stuff.

What I think is that I need an attitude change.  It is hard to see grace in the rain, isn't it?  And yet the rain is simply gift enough if we will embrace it.


Today, will you pray for my attitude?  That I will embrace God's mercies, even through the bad times?


Thanks


(Thanks especially to Shell who hosts my random thoughts and lets me pour my heart out!)

Days of Play--Sit Still

Do you ever just pack too much into a week.  Park days, play dates, errands, shopping, VBS, a trip to grandmas ...?

Every summer I tell myself, "this summer we are going to relax and enjoy."  And then I fill our summer days with crazy fun activities but feel so harried getting to all the fun that by the end of the day, I wonder why I planned so much.

Please tell me I'm not alone!

Last week my daughter asked what we were doing for the day.  So I told her of the big fun coming her way and she sighed.  I asked what was wrong and she said she never gets to spend time with me.

Now to be honest, my mouth hit the floor.  I'm a stay-at-home-mom.  She gets to spend time with me, trust me!  I launched into a very adult defensive mode where I recounted every special event and moment we shared the past few days.  And she gave me this look.  THE look.  The look I didn't think I'd have to deal with until she was a teenager.  And her words cut to the bone.

I don't want to just do stuff with you.  I want to be with you.

Ouch.

All this time I'm thinking these fun events are meeting her needs when what she wants is my total attention.  Not another craft.  Not a water fight.  A few minutes on my lap laughing about the word poop (I still don't understand why this word is funny) or reading a story.

So today, carve out fifteen minutes (or an hour--whatever) and sit still with your children.  Read them a book.  Tell them a story or silly jokes.  Look through a photo album.  Don't let phone calls or tidying up distract you.  Sit still.

Music Monday: The Epilogues

The Epilogues are gonna be big, in my humble opinion.  They are a band from Denver, CO (near me!  YAY!) and their sound is kind of haunting but in a raw and beautiful way.

I'm not gonna lie, this is a "harder" sound than I generally suggest but I think they are worth a listen.  And if you like 'em, head to Itunes and give their other work a listen.

Hunting Season

Fashion Friday: An Outfit Post

So I haven't posted an outfit in eons because the 30/30 pretty much turned me off from having my photo taken EVER again.

But I guess I'll go ahead and show you what I wore to the wedding I blabbed about in THIS post.

Like I stated in that post I wore a black dress. To a wedding.  Yep.  That's me breaking all the rules.  Seriously, I bought this LBD at Target for $7.  {Insert high five here}

So my brother-in-law totally thought these shoes were scandalous.  I think they are hot. And the friend loaned me the cardi.  The jewelry is from the Vera Wang collection at Kohls.  I probably got some where around 9,742 compliments on the jewelry (and a few for the legs--nice little bonus).

Aren't the Falls lovely?

So for the Sunday event I wore this white jean, military jacket, wedge shoe combo.  Hello awesome outfit.  Of course I photograph like a real goofball so you'll have to trust me that it was awesome.

About the rehearsal dinner.  I SO didn't wear what I picked to wear in the wedding gear post.  And there was a bowling event that day where it was bowling for shots and winners had to drink and I, the girl who has never hit a pin before, did amazingly well. 

Long story short, there are no photos of the rehearsal dinner outfit.  It was a retro-pleated, plaid skirt, black top, and high heel boots.  No photos because I was not in ANY condition to be photographed. Because in those photos I look bad.

A little something like this--totally unstable.

This is my alter-ego and my brother-in-law's alter ego. I promise we are generally more attractive than this. 

But YAY for my team who totally cleaned up!

Things I Love: Roller Derby

I've had one friend since I was entering kindergarten and we still talk.  I'm sorry but how awesome is that?

Of course that seems to have nothing to do with roller derby but it does, I promise.

See here in Wyoming we don't have a huge population and the population that loves roller derby is considerably smaller.  But my friend (the one from pre-k days) started a team in her town and now there are several in Wyoming and they get together and do bouts and share profits with charities.  It's awesome.

Reagan and Jina--28 years of friendship

If you don't know anything about roller derby then let me first say "WHAT?" Second, let me explain that it is a contact sport for hot women on roller skates.  There are jammers and blockers and refs.  Crazy uniforms and nicknames are essential.

It's kinda like a musical where you also get to kick ass. A. Mazing.

Anyhow I just love that there is an activity where women can get out, get in shape, rough each other up, have fun, and bring out the crowds while helping people.

If you see a sign for a derby, go. You'll thank me.

In the mean time, talk derby to me!

What I Think About: Sister Ears

So a few weeks ago my sister sent me this message on Facebook.  Literally.  I copied and pasted this comment from Facebook.

So, Ella just informed me that she can understand things that Jori says when I can't because she has "sister ears." The more I think about it, the more profound those words are becoming to me. So, I wanted to tell you thank you for always having your extraordinary "sister ears" and for always just "getting me." (Is it just me or did I over use quote marks? Geesh)

Despite the fact that my sister and I both like to start sentences with "so" I just had to comment on this, um, comment.

The past few weeks, or maybe years, have just been a little hard for me what with being in school, having young children, my mom being sick ...  While I have great friends and an amazing husband and supportive in-laws (yes, you read that correctly), sometimes the only person who can really "hear" me is my sister (quotation mark over use runs in the family.  So does insanity).

I can call her when I'm ready to cry and she instantly knows if she should get me to laugh or let me cry.   She knows when she can cry with me and when she has to be strong.  She knows when she can laugh with me and when she can laugh at me. She gives advice when I need it but withholds it when I don't.  She even knows the right things to say and do when I simply can't share with her what's wrong.  Sometimes I literally just call her up and say I'm blue and that's as far as I go.  And it's enough.

Because somehow her sister ears are tuned into my heart and she just gets me in a way that perhaps no one else can.

We've danced on paths of joy; we have walked on paths of sorrow.  We have been best friends; we have been enemies.  We are oil and water.  If you just read that you'll see one common denominator.  We have always been we.

We are sisters.  Best friends.  Kindred spirits.

What I think is that my sister, and her sister ears have monumentally made an impact on my life.  I wouldn't be the woman I am if she wasn't the woman she is.

Randean, thank you for your sister ears.

Have a sister?  Leave a comment about your favorite memory of her--or the time she helped you most.  Forward a link to this blog to her just to say, "Hey, thanks for being who you are."

Thanks to Shell for hosting random heart thoughts!

Days of Play: Flower Fairies

I'm one of those moms who thinks Family Fun magazine is one step away from pure genius.  This idea is from them.

Essentially go for a walk and pick a few flowers and leaves.  I don't about you but this sort of "nature walk" can take an hour with my kids so don't forget water and sunscreen.

When you get home, break out the glue and markers (and glitter because what fairy doesn't have glitter?) and make a flower fairy.

Here's a picture from Family Fun's site for a little inspiration:

Photo from Family Fun

What's great about this activity is any age kid can do it (well, any age past that age where everything goes into the mouth).

Just let your kid glue stuff down and then use all that pent up creativity to make a fairy.  Or a fairy boat or a fairy house or a fairy pet ...

Music Monday: The Avett Brothers

If you've been on Earth for any amount of time and have access to a radio station then I'm going to go ahead and assume that you've heard of Mumford & Sons.  If you haven't then I suggest you check them out.  They are fun.  Folksy.

But if you've heard Little Lion Man or The Cave so many times you'd like to throw the Sigh No More CD out the window but can't because you love the sound, then please, pretty pretty please, check out the Avett Brothers.

The Avett Brothers have a similar sound.  And to be honest, I'm pretty sure that the Avett Brothers are just more proof that men with beards make good music.

So first up, I and Love and You. A classic. I love it. Makes me happy.



And of course there's Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise. Who hasn't been there.





Enjoy some new music this Monday.

Things I Love: Cheesecake

Have I ever mentioned I love cheesecake?

Oh, just a few hundred times?  Well then, let me remind you, I LOVE CHEESECAKE.

Seriously, love it.  Like if I had to pick between my iPhone and cheesecake I might need counseling.

So when I had surgery a few weeks ago Sarah from Frontier Kitchen decided to whip me up a cheesecake to help make me feel better.

(At this point I should totally point out that I have the BEST friends ever. I mean, some people bring you icky tater-tot casseroles when you are out of commission but you know what my friends do?  They take care of my kids, clean my house, make sure I'm on the right meds and BRING ME CHEESECAKE!).

Anyhow, Sarah whipped up this lemon-blueberry dream.  She literally brought me the whole cheesecake.  And I ate it.  Like all of it.  It was that good.  In fact, I'm considering another surgery just so she'll take pity on me and make me another one.

Because I love cheesecake that much. 

Now, which organs are optional?

Yep, this is literally MY cheesecake.  Isn't it amazing. So drool worthy.

Want the recipe?  Click here  <----yep, click that link and you'll go right to Frontier Kitchen and this recipe.  One more fun tidbit, in this recipe post when Sarah says she was at a casual 4th of July party, she was at my house :)

What I Think About: Being Lost in Faith

There is nothing like calves and quads burning up a steep hill on a path that has long since surrendered to wildflowers and fallen trees to remind me how small I am and how great He is.

Sitting at the base of some granite wall God placed here in His time as a monument of beauty and glory I reflect on the path I've just run.

It started easily--downhill in trees that blocked me from the ever-present Wyoming wind. The path was obvious as I followed it up a leisurely, unobstructed hill. As I descended again the path grew smaller and windier.  The small bits of rock covering the hill made it dangerous to run too quickly down the hill. The path was covered with flowering bushes that tickled my legs--a warning to slow down. This led to a dark place.

Under looming rock formations, in the black shade of hovering pines I was chilled.  Downed trees covered the path. I went left and could not pass. Right yet I could not pass. I had to slow and climb over. Because some obstacles we have to face head on and this never seems more true than we are in dark places.

On the other side of the obstacle I was rewarded with sunlight, a breeze, and that obvious path that beckoned me silently, "this way".

And I followed the path because I knew it was the way. I trusted, blindly.  I didn't question; I followed and I was at peace with that choice.

But paths never stay the same--do they?

I was running.  Lost in the beauty of blue skies and quaking aspen leaves.  Suddenly I realized I was not on a path. I was just running at the base of a huge rock formation. No map to show me the way; no friend to guide me. I was alone. Without direction--without a path to follow. 

I contemplated going back--to find that trail in the sun where it was easier.  But I knew in my heart that I could never go back; I could only go forward.

So I slowed my pace and went on looking for clues to lead me to the finish line. I saw nothing but pressed on. Slowly. Methodically. Timidly.

And then I saw it--on the right.

A grassy area covered with flowers and trees stumps. When I looked closely I noticed that some of that grass lay to one side--as though it had been walked on.  Not by many--but by someone.  And perhaps the one who made this path made it for me.  Hesitantly I stepped once. Twice. It was hard to discern this path. I had to pay attention--I had to work at it. But I followed this barely-there, new territory, trust me and follow path.

I followed without knowing where I was going. Without knowing if it was the right way. Without having a reason or a purpose. I followed this rarely used path hoping it was the one for me.

It led me through muddy waters. Over tress and over rocks. I stumbled thrice. But I kept jogging ever hopeful--refusing to listen to those sneaky thoughts that I ought to go back because this was the wrong way.  I ran on.

Soon enough the path widened and the growth became less and less. The wind picked up carrying voices. Ahead climbers were ascending a climb, comfortably trusting their ropes and harnesses.

And there was the path. Wide. Well traveled. Obvious.

Here it hits me that this path was here the whole time. I'd gotten off it at one turn or another. Distracted, prideful--perhaps both--I followed my own way.  Yet He was there. Making a way through the wilderness.  Stepping into those grasses to guide me. Whispering encouragement on the wings of a passing butterfly. Offering hope in the cooling breeze.

These paths--they guide us and lead us. They aren't easy. Paths don't mean that the run won't leave me sore, tired, or breathless. They don't mean you won't get lost or take your own way. They aren't always discernible. Sometimes it's hard to even trust that paths are there because it doesn't feel like they are there.

But there is always a Way.

And so it goes with faith.

Days of Play: 3 Simple Steps {That's All You Need}

Any Special Agent Oso fans out there?

No?

Well, I don't blame you.  That bear drives me nuts.  But my kids sure like him.

Anyhow not too long ago Oso gave three simple steps for making fruit pops.

1.  Get an ice cube tray
2.  Put a sliced banana in each tray and spear it through with a toothpick (He didn't think that all the way through.  In my humble mom-pinion, toddlers shouldn't have toothpicks.  But I might be over-protective).
3.  Pour Orange Juice into each little ice cube/banana slot and freeze.

Wa-la--a healthy fruit pop.

Make those today.  It's easy enough to do with kids and fast enough to get it done without regretting your decision to cook with your kids :)

If you feel more adventurous, how about these?

Yep, that photo is from Our Best Bites and, like always, they have a huge assortment of pudding pops you can make with your kids.  They might take more than three steps but they'll taste delicious.  And if you hurry over there, you might get the stupid "three special steps, that's all you need" song out of your head (if you are lucky.)

Music Monday: Band of Horses

So a few weeks ago we went to Sioux Falls to attend an event wherein my brother-in-law gave me another sister. YAY for Megan and Josh (well, mostly for Megan because a girl with one fun-loving sister is lucky; two are a blessing.  You can begin being jealous of me .... NOW!).

Anyhow, for their wedding dance, Josh and Megan picked the song "The Funeral" by Band of Horses.

I know, right?

You've gotta be big-fat confident in your marriage if you're gonna start it with a song called "The Funeral."

Despite the name (and the lyrics) this song is simply B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L.

Give it a listen and then you'll understand why it is their special song.  And why it's on my iPod.  And why it should be on yours.

Things I Love: I {Heart} Radio

Here's a shocking truth.

I hate the radio.

Really there is never anything on I like.  It's always the same lame songs over and over and over.  I've had it up to HERE (imagine me with my arm over my head) with Nickleback, Taylor Swift, and Lady Gaga!  Blech.

So as a rule of thumb I don't listen to the radio,

Unless I'm in Denver and then I can listen to 93.3

People, this is the I Ching of radio stations. All modern alternative rock all the time (except for 11 pm when they play electronic/techno music.  I skip that).

I kept trying to convince Matt that we need to move to Denver so I can have a good radio station. But apparently that's not a good idea since he'd have to get a new job and we'd have to sell our house and make new friends and stuff.  Apparently his priorities are mixed up :)

Anyhow, one day I was stalking the 93.3 playlists--you know, to torture myself--and I found a play online button.  WHAT?

I clicked, it took me to an I HEART RADIO app which I promptly downloaded.  Now every now and then this app will crash but overall, I love it.  Lovey, love, love-love-LOVE it!  I can listen to 93.3 anytime, anywhere.

Thank you I Heart Radio.  I heart you!

What I Think About: Secret Broken Hearts

There's nothing worse than a broken heart.

That's what I used to think.  But now I know better.  The truth is, there is nothing worse than a secret broken heart.

Secret.  As in, something you've never told anyone.  A wish.  A dream.  A barely whispered prayer.

I've had this secret "other" life that I dreamed I would live.  And yesterday, though I knew it was coming for a long time, if finally hit me.  I'm never gonna have that life.  And I just fell apart.

It isn't that my life isn't heavenly.  I mean, it's divine.  I am in a passionate and fulfilling marriage.  I have darling children.  I have the love and support of so many friends.  But one thing is off.  One thing will never be right. And I'm broken hearted about it.  What's worse is I can't explain more than this. It would ruin how sacred this dream was to me.

So I have a secret broken heart.  And I've written it a poem.

There's an edge in my attitude and my eyes don't sparkle as much, it seems.
My stature has lost its confidence; my laughter it's familiar ring.

How do you let go when memories that made you laugh, now make you cry.
And how do you mourn a dream of what you hoped would be
when it escapes you like a sigh?

I'm tired of saying I'm fine.
I'm more tired of pretending to be.
I didn't know that it'd be like this from the start.
Didn't know it would kill me to have a secret broken heart.

But the words you wrote, you spoke, you sang, you whispered ...
They haunt me.  They won't leave me alone.
And I don't want them to leave alone.

I want it not to hurt.
I want it to be okay.
I want to go back to make you see--to make you stay.

Stay with me.  How you are.
Because I'm fine with imperfection
It makes you perfect for me.

But how do I make you see when who you are is nothing but a memory,
a dream, an illusion--to me.

I'm so damn tired of saying I'm fine--more so of pretending to be.

I'm not alright.
I am broken.

And my secret broken heart is might kill me.

What do you do, when dreams don't come true?
When they divide you? When they break you?

Days of Play: Water Fight!

It is officially summer here (sigh)

Since I live in a state that only gets summer for about forty days I like to really whoop it up when the weather allows (Read: My kids have to make me come inside for dinner and force me to take a bath. Sad but true).

I'm all about setting up the pool, running through the sprinkler, and sliding headfirst down the dodgy slip-n-slide I got for $1 at a garage sale.

Sometimes I even let my kids play.

Anyhow, I was reading A Little Tipsy the other day and there was a guest blog that gave instructions to make sponge bombs. HELLO?  Count me in!

Basically these are little bombs of delightful wet fun.  They soak in a ton of water so when you toss it to someone they get soaked! YAY!

So I suggest that you follow THIS link to get directions to make a sponge bomb.  And then have a water fight or play hot potato with your kids.

Enjoy!

Music Monday: The Spill Canvas

So this band is from Sioux Falls, SD--where my brother and sister in law live--and they are pretty much amazing.

The bad news: they've "kinda" broken up. Okay, they are on "hiatus."
The good news: Twitter keeps posting rumors that The Spill Canvas might be putting a new album together!  Yay (if it happens!).

My two fave songs from The Spill Canvas are:

All Over You



Our Song (Take note Taylor Swift--this song is sooo much better!)



Rush to ITunes and get two new songs. Right now. I'll wait!

Happy 4th of July!

Fashion Friday: It Can't Be July!

Oh my stars--it can't be July.  Where did June go?

Well, whether I'm ready for the quintessential summer holiday or not, it's nearly here.  If you like to rock out some red, white, blue for the 4th, please be inspired!

Shorts by Forever 21
Flats by Mossimo

Tanks by Mossimo
Flats by Mossimo

Sleeveless Tops by Gap
Sandals by Forever 21

Day Dresses by Forever 21
Sandals by Forever 21

Things I Love: This Song

And I hope it gets stuck in your head.  Welcome to the Flobots--a hip hop band from Denver.  I love them.

Happy Thursday!

What I Think About: Having People Who are There for You

Yesterday I mentioned that I had to have surgery.  It went well (I think.  I'm actually writing this at 1:30 am on Tuesday morning so I'm just assuming that the surgery went well.  If I died I've left Matt with directions to delete this blog.  If you're reading it, I'm still kicking.  Wow.  I must not blog so late at night ...).

Anyhoo--I found out last week that I was going to have surgery and instantly morphed into this wild woman with a pit in my stomach.  I was nervous as a turkey at Thanksgiving!  Really, I could hardly be contained by my skin.

So I did what I could do.  I called my friends and forced them to meet me for play dates.  And then I invited myself over to their houses and made them unleash me on toys that needed organized.  As much as possible, I let my friends help me forget what was coming or the fears in my heart. 

When I told my sister about the surgery, she decided to pack up her kids and drive to my house so she could care for me, the kids, the house, and the hubs while I'm out of commission.

And it dawned on me today as my friend Kim called and prayed for me, that I have a hard time asking for help.  Really, I love to help others but don't love to receive it.  It's a pride thing.  But right now I need help.  And I have it.

What I think is that I'm blessed to have people who are there for me. 

Thank you to Randean, Beth, Sarah, Krista, and Kim for being there for me!

Days of Play: Indoor Camping

Know what I'm doing today?  I'm not playing with my kids.  I'm getting ready for surgery.  Yuck.

But if you want to play with your kids (which I totally encourage!), I strongly encourage you to check out my friend Jenny's indoor camping date with her children.

Great idea--great pictures.

Get s'mores fixin's and have a blast with your campfire cuties!

Oh ya, click here for all the details!

Music Monday: A Fine Frenzy

Since I have limited access to a computer that allows me to blog (get well soon, Mac!), I've decided to keep going with Monday posts introducing you to some lesser-known musical artists that are actually on my Ipod.

A Fine Frenzy is a delightful artist who took her "name" from a line in a Midsummer's Night Dream.  That fact alone has me hooked!

I love her easy, breezy, emotional music.  Take a listen.  You'll love her.  I promise.

This song is Almost Lover--one of her most popular!

Date Night {IN}--The Yogurt Edition

So this is gonna seem totally weird but we love yogurt.  So we did a yogurt date.  If you don't like yogurt feel free to substitute the yogurt with chocolate syrup, pudding, honey ---whatever floats your boat.

What you need:

• Some time sans kiddos
• yogurt
• paper scraps with one letter A-Z written on the scrap
• hat to put scraps in
• dice

What to do:

1. On scraps of paper, write one letter and then put the scraps of paper into a hat.
2. Set the scene--we made a comfy little pallet on the floor in front of the fire, turned on the Airborne Toxic Event station on Pandora, and lit candles.
3. Get into as little clothing as you are comfortable with.
4. So to play, take turns drawing a letter out of the hat.  Let's say you pull out "T".  You have to find a part on your spouse's body that starts with that letter (tummy, tongue, toes, tibia...), put some yogurt on it, and lick it off.  Here's the catch, you can use silly names or body parts (like funny bone for F) or secret names (I could give you an example but then I'd have to kill you).  You want to think of the most difficult name possible because your spouse has to guess why you chose that location (which is why I'd pick tibia over tummy for T).  If he guesses wrong, roll the dice and he owes you that many minutes worth of back rub, foot rub, hair plays, etc.  
5. Finish the date with a hot shower because you'll be sticky :)

Things I Love: Spicy

Yes.  I love spicy food.  But that's not what I'm talking about here.

What I love is the word SPICY. 

Remember the girl from Mean Girls who wants to make the word "fetch" popular?  Well, I've been on a mission to make spicy popular.  And it's catching on.

At first I started saying spicy in place of the word hot--which seems obvious.  For example, "It's spicy out today" or "My husband is so spicy!"

Then I decided that spicy could also substitute for sassiness, snarkiness, wit, etc.  "Wow, you are being spicy!" or "Love the spicy comment."

Of course, I use spicy to help tone down a contentious situation.  For example, in class two students were rigorously debating and to help bring calm back into the classroom, I said, "This is a spicy conversations."

Turns out lots of people love my word.  I've caught friends posting it in Facebook (my daughter is so spicy today!), students writing it in e-mails, Matt using it when he likes how I dress...  It's catching on!  YAY!

I love spicy!  It's so fetch!

Days of Play: Rainy Day Scavenger Hunt

We have a chance of rain every day this week.  Yes, I'm doing a happy dance.  Sorry, I'm that girl who prefers 60 and rain to 80s with sun. 

If you are stuck inside on a rainy day it can be hard to entertain little ones.  At our house, a scavenger hunt always goes a long way.  What I like is how quickly I can whip up a hunt.  No need for maps or lists--simply pick an attribute of an item, give kids a grocery sack, set a timer, and send them off into the house to gather anything that meets the criteria.

For example, have kids find things that are: blue (or any other color), round (or any other shape), small (or any other size), soft (or another texture), etc.  Feel free to give younger children an easier task (color) and older children a more difficult task (90' triangles) to make this activity work for all kids in the house.

When time is up, empty bags and go through what your kiddos found.  Then put everything back TOGETHER and have some special "treasure" as a reward for a hunt well done.

Some Monday Music

So my Mac is still an absolute mess.  One of Matt's co-workers loaned me his MacBook Pro so I can work on my competency exam questions.  I figure I might as well write a blog or two since I have it.

I have a pretty eclectic taste in music and people often want to know what I'm listening to. So I'm gonna do a few posts on music I love, some lesser-known artists, etc.

First up--The Airborne Toxic Event.  This band is really gaining in popularity. I've been in musical love with them for just over a year.  I went to one of their concerts a week ago and they actually sound better LIVE--which like, never happens.  Anyhoo, give this a listen. This video is of their most recent hit, Changing.