A funny thing happens to people who have same sex children. A couple of friends, for example, have two daughters and people always ask, "are you going to try for a boy?" I'm sure this happens with people who have boys too.
In fact, one of things I love about one of my fave bloggers--Shell at Things I Can't Say--is that she states "Mom to three boys. Not trying for a girl." Do you hear that? She has 3 boys and calls that a family? Sheesh. What's wrong with her? ;)
For me, I have a boy and a girl so no one asks me this question. People just assume this is the "ideal" family make up so why screw it up now? Right?
Families look so different. Some people are happy with one. Some people want 19. My thought is, how do you know when you are done?
When I was young{er} I had this grand vision of 4-5 children. I'm a teacher; I love kids. But then I had a hideous pregnancy followed by a traumatic c-section and all of a sudden that 4-5 went to three. MAX. Trust me, being sawed in half three times is my limit.
Then baby #2 (the often-coveted son ... remind me why this is so?) came along after a delightful pregnancy where I was all but prescribed a diet of whole-fat ice cream but another c-section. Suddenly that magical 3 number seemed all wrong.
Holding this baby in my arms I just felt like I was finished. Our family felt complete.
My son will be 3 in May and I still do not have a desire for another baby. 4 of my closest friends all had/got newborns this past fall/winter and while I loved holding and snuggling those little treasures, I am all too happy to give them back to their moms. Just last Friday night I watched one of those babies, 7 week old baby girl H. I swaddled and rocked and cuddled and fed. And I looked at my husband and stated, "if this was it--if this holding and kissing was it--I'd have another in a heart beat!"
But the truth is that holding and cuddling isn't it. Having a baby is hard work. Babies change everything. You need more gear, a bigger car, and more stamina to work full time with your other kids while running on something like 45 minutes of sleep. Being a mom is tough.
I don't want to sound selfish but I just feel done. I feel done with not sleeping through the night. I feel done with sore breasts and smelling like spit up. I feel done with putting my budding career on the back burner. I feel done with diapers and spilled sippy cups and 3 am pacifier hunting.
Don't get me wrong, I love and adore my children. One smile from them makes everything worth it but in the end, I'm not sure another child is best for our family.
So I'm on the birth control pill--again--which I promised my mother I'd never do. I just don't know what else to do. I don't want to count days (I'm not good at math so I know that method will get me child #3). Matt and I have contemplated permanent fixes but those just don't feel right either. I'm mean, we are 99.9% certain we are done but that .1% keeps us from taking drastic steps.
I'm so confused. I feel done. I feel like our family is just right for us. But I'm not ready to take any drastic steps so every month as the arrival of Aunt Flo nears I have these panic attacks of "what if." I don't want to feel that way.
What I think is that I'm done having children but I'm confused how done I am. I'd love your advice!
Are you done? How did you know?
I love participating in Shell's PYHO on Wednesdays!