Friday, August 24, 2012

Hooky and Polka Dotties

When I started this blog (nearly 4 years ago I think), I knew I'd be one of those bloggers who used mass-produced style templates because I'm not really tech savvy.  And while I love the free therapy and creative writing opportunities blogging offers, I really, really, really don't want to become so tech savvy that I can create my own background and header.

So I searched for weeks, and I literally mean weeks, to find the right design.  I never did.  I ended up going with the "best option" until I found something better.  Ergo, the purple, pink, blue, black emo teen design I "temporarily" used for about four years.

My kids have been gone since Wednesday and I was bored so I decided to spruce up my blog.  My creative friend Shelly from Naptime Notes "threw together" (her words...what?  This would take me hours) a new header.

Do you love it?  I do.  It's exactly what I want.  Pink, grey and black.  Edgy.  Feminine without being cutesy or girlie.  My hubs saw it and was all "that is so YOU."  See, from my new header, you know me better.  I didn't mean for that to rhyme it just did.  I'm such a good writer :)

The background still isn't exactly what I want.  Don't get me wrong, I love polka dotties as much as Junie B. Jones but they aren't  entirely what I was picturing.  But the heading is dead on and I still don't want to learn about background creation so here it is.

My new blog design.

I love it and you better too because if history is a good example, it'll probably be this way for a few years.

In other news, it's the last week before school starts, I'm recovering from walking pneumonia, and the weather is fine.  I'm playing hooky from life.  It's amazing.

With the new blog design comes new "rules."  No more themed days (except Wednesday).  I'm gonna write what I want to write when I want to write it.  I'll still highlight music, fashion, and dates but when I'm inspired rather than required.  Even though theme days help keep me consistently writing, sometimes they make writing feel like a chore.  And when you love to write, nothing is worse than feeling like you have to write.  It's kinda like being forced to kill your friend.  Or something like that.

So polka dotties and hooky.  That's the new way I'm gonna roll.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

What I Think About: One Big Fear

One year and one day of being motherless.

Motherless.  How that word pierces my heart.

I keep expecting the days to get easier.  The memories to not hurt.  Sometimes it happens.  Sometimes it doesn't.

Over this past year I'm so grateful for my husband's persistence, patience, and love.  For keeping me from drowning--for encouraging me to keep going.  For being there.

I'm so thankful for my sister's smiles, silly stories, and willingness to cry.

I'm so appreciative of my friends who made the year possible by watching my kids, bringing me dinner, and loaning me their pop-up campers.

For those of you who let me talk about my mom without feeling compelled to say "I'm so sorry," for those of you who noticed that I've worn a piece of her jewelry every day for a year, for those who just let me rage and cry and laugh.  Thank you.

One year.  I've done it.

But I'm more afraid now than ever.

I'm afraid it won't get easier.  Now the year is up like some sort of deadline and I'm afraid the people who have been patient this past year, well I'm afraid they are getting tired of me telling the same stories or reminiscing about my mom or wearing the same jewelry.

I'm afraid to be the Debbie Downer who can't let go.  Who won't let go.

I'm afraid it won't get easier.  That I'll still be haunted by firsts and 21st.  That I'll always be just a bit more empty than I used to be.

I'm afraid that at some point and time, the brokeness I feel over my mom could cost me relationships because, hey, who wants to be around someone who seems 99.9% okay, except for the brokenness you can just feel radiating off of her?

It's more than that.  What I'm afraid of most--the thought that brings me to my knees in angst is that it WILL get easier.

I'm afraid that some days, I won't remember at all.  That I'll forget to put on her jewelry. That the sound of her laugh will slowly fade into memories of good old days.

That slowly this process of saying goodbye and letting go is actually a severing--of giving up the past to move on with the future.

I hate the ache but it reminds me how real her love was and how good her life was and that I had a mom who raised me well and would be proud.

But when it gets easier, it gets harder because I forget the ache.

And without the ache, I feel like I forget her.

What I think is loss is so complicated.  A year later I'm afraid people will let me go if I hold on too much to my pain and sorrow but even more so, I fear letting go of the pain means I can't hold onto the memories.

Thank you for letting me Pour My Heart Out.


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

One Year

Tonight right before 10:30 pm will mark the one year anniversary of my mom's death.

It has been a hard year.

I miss her so much.

There's not much else to say.