Sitting outside this August day it is warm and gray. It rained last night and the scent lingers refreshing the earth. Refreshing me.
Down the hill life is being lived in cookie cutter homes. Cars leave slowly for work. A nail gun pat-pat-pats new shingles onto a roof. Around the corner children imagine and giggle.
The sun peeks out from behind a cloud and warms my arms. A gentle breeze across my skin whispers relief.
I sit reading. Watching the children. Drinking in the morning with each splash of Earl gray on my tongue. These are my favorite days when it is dark and gray with only hints of sunlight. More than a physical break from the heat, the gray is a relief to my soul.
Sometimes on gray days I'm so sad I cannot stand it. And the darkness is my excuse and no one would question what put the sadness in my eyes for we all assume that it is the missing sun that has us so blue. The way thunder masks a breaking heart or rain disguises tears, dark days hide the heart under a cloak of gray so we can be broken without explanation. The reason for our brokenness is assumed.
There is truth on these cloudy days. It is darker to be sure. Dark because the clouds have taken over the sun. Dark because my heart is troubled and I'm angry and I feel forsaken, forgotten, and faithless. I want to lash out and cry in my anger and frustration. Then the sun peeks out and I remember.
Even when I can't see it, the sun is there. Behind those dark clouds its presence cannot be denied. And the clouds cannot overcome it. They are here for but a moment but the sun remains fixed and firm--whether I see it or not.
Perhaps I see it better, more clearly when it is dark. In darkness, light is so much more obvious.
Those sunny days when the light beats down and warms me are good for the spirit--good for showing the way. But dark days, when the sky is overcast and my soul is more so, are honey on my lips for they provide the visible analogy for the war in my heart.
There is dark. There will always be dark. But there is also light. There will always be light and the darkness can never, ever overcome it. Peace is mine on the gray day because the sun is there, providing enough light to get through the day.
Enough warmth to remind me that though things are not okay, there is a way.
I am grateful for this dark time. I trust the light so much more.