Wednesday, July 6, 2011

What I Think About: Secret Broken Hearts

There's nothing worse than a broken heart.

That's what I used to think.  But now I know better.  The truth is, there is nothing worse than a secret broken heart.

Secret.  As in, something you've never told anyone.  A wish.  A dream.  A barely whispered prayer.

I've had this secret "other" life that I dreamed I would live.  And yesterday, though I knew it was coming for a long time, if finally hit me.  I'm never gonna have that life.  And I just fell apart.

It isn't that my life isn't heavenly.  I mean, it's divine.  I am in a passionate and fulfilling marriage.  I have darling children.  I have the love and support of so many friends.  But one thing is off.  One thing will never be right. And I'm broken hearted about it.  What's worse is I can't explain more than this. It would ruin how sacred this dream was to me.

So I have a secret broken heart.  And I've written it a poem.

There's an edge in my attitude and my eyes don't sparkle as much, it seems.
My stature has lost its confidence; my laughter it's familiar ring.

How do you let go when memories that made you laugh, now make you cry.
And how do you mourn a dream of what you hoped would be
when it escapes you like a sigh?

I'm tired of saying I'm fine.
I'm more tired of pretending to be.
I didn't know that it'd be like this from the start.
Didn't know it would kill me to have a secret broken heart.

But the words you wrote, you spoke, you sang, you whispered ...
They haunt me.  They won't leave me alone.
And I don't want them to leave alone.

I want it not to hurt.
I want it to be okay.
I want to go back to make you see--to make you stay.

Stay with me.  How you are.
Because I'm fine with imperfection
It makes you perfect for me.

But how do I make you see when who you are is nothing but a memory,
a dream, an illusion--to me.

I'm so damn tired of saying I'm fine--more so of pretending to be.

I'm not alright.
I am broken.

And my secret broken heart is might kill me.

What do you do, when dreams don't come true?
When they divide you? When they break you?

2 comments:

  1. I have always wondered about this; about what Gods plans are with dreams that never really come true...I guess He knows what is best for us and wants us to trust that He has it all worked out. Thank you for sharing a raw place. I know I can identify and am sure a lot of others can too...

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  2. I connect so much with what you are saying. I too have a secret broken heart, and I pretend it is fine on the outside, it doesn't matter and I don't think about it anymore. But on the inside I have held on to a secret sliver of hope that my dream would come true. And I realized last week it will NEVER come to be. In fact I knew along time ago but a situation last week confirmed. The hurt is raw. All I can do is cling to God because I've done all I know to do. And maybe that is what He wanted me to do in the first place. Stop running my own show. Trust Him.

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