My mom has been flailing under her CADASIL diagnosis and we are all starting to feel like her time with us is getting shorter and shorter.
My name is Reagan and I'm a complete mess.
Emotionally I have these awesome roller coaster days where I'm bouncing off the walls with hope and optimism and then something will happen (like an insurance commercial) and suddenly I'm a blubbering wreck.
Physically I'm still recovering from surgery and haven't been able to run or rock climb or ride my bike. I'm frustrated at how slow I'm healing.
Spiritually I'm angry and withdrawn. Sometimes I just feel like prayers don't get answered and that God is far away.
Then the other day K-Love played this song (and I don't love K-Love. Way FM or Air One is more my thing but for "some reason" K-Love was on in my car. Have I mentioned my kids play with the radio?).
How is it possible that one song can encourage and convict?
I felt so encouraged to be gently reminded that God is good and that He is working all things out for my good.
I was convicted by my bad attitude. I've been so quick to wallow in my pain and disappointment and frustration to realize how much my mom's illness has made me lean on The Word.
I've been so quick to mourn my pending loss that I lost sight of the ways God comforts me with kind words from friends. Gentle breezes to to refresh me. Mercies new every day.
I've been so focused on my anger that I didn't recognize how my anger makes me vulnerable, broken and open before God.
Nothing else in my life has ever made me humble myself before God, depend on God, cry out to God, and trust God quite like struggling with my mom's illness.
This is a merciful time.
Don't get me wrong--in my flesh I hate every minute of this but I'm beginning to see God's grace even in the bad stuff.
What I think is that I need an attitude change. It is hard to see grace in the rain, isn't it? And yet the rain is simply gift enough if we will embrace it.
Today, will you pray for my attitude? That I will embrace God's mercies, even through the bad times?
(Thanks especially to Shell who hosts my random thoughts and lets me pour my heart out!)