Tuesday, July 13, 2010

"These Genes Make My Butt Look Phat!"

In January I made a resolution to go from frumpy to fab!  I wanted to be a mom without necessarily looking like the stereotypical one (see the post on mom butt).  It's not that I fear aging but rather, that I didn't want to look back in fifteen years and think, "Man I really let myself go."  FYI, this effort is paying off.  Recently Matt said, "You are dressing so hot lately!"   

Anyhow, Melissa from Nouns and Violets is on a similar mission.  Enjoy her sassy guest blog.  

I'm one of those girls you hate. I eat what I want. I never exercise. After birthing two kids I weigh the same as I did in my 20s: 110 pounds. My mother weighs a whopping 115 pounds. What can I say? These genes make my butt look phat.

DON'T STOP READING! There's a downside to this, I promise.

Other than the matronly muumuus I wore while pregnant, weight gain hasn't forced me to buy new clothes. My ancient wardrobe is a little youngish. Okay, it's juvenile and people often misjudge my age... by a decade. Once while dropping off my young daughter for Sunday School the teacher wanted to know what class I belonged in. “Are you 16 or under?” she asked. I was 25.

How can you tell if your wardrobe is too juvenile? When it's laundry day and your clothes get mingled with your 13 year-old's stuff. Together you sort the pile and say things like, “Is this yours? No, wait. It's mine. Right? The one you have is blue.” If her friends are calling you a cool mom, telling you they love your top and want to know where you got it, that's probably another sign that you're dressing too immature. It's worse if you have to sheepishly admit “Forever 21” and then you find out your nineteen year-old niece also shops there. The ultimate worst is going to dinner with an older male friend and having the waitress assume he is your father. Trust me, that kind of blunder is uncomfortable for everyone involved.

Sure, most women want to look younger. Billions of dollars a year are spent on cosmetic surgery and women account for more than ninety percent of the patients. But there's something to be said for dressing in a way that makes people take you seriously. A few years ago while shopping in Target I noticed people staring and snickering. I whipped out a mirror and checked my face. All clear. No toilet paper stuck to my shoe either. In the checkout line the clerk burst out laughing and said, “That's a great shirt.” Oooohhh, so that was it. I was wearing a bright pink tee that said: “Jerks Love Me.”

I'm secretly hoping someone will nominate me for What Not to Wear. I can only imagine the humbling fashion crimes that would be caught on camera during Stacy and Clinton's stakeout of me. Vibrant red Elmo slippers in the grocery store. Pajama bottoms in Circle K. More message tee shirts that embarrass my daughter (“Geeks are Hot”). I think the five thousand bucks in New York fashion hanging in my closet would be enough to repair any damage to my ego.

Until Stacy and Clinton ambush me, I'm updating my wardrobe one garment at a time. All new apparel at once means it wears out – and you will tire of it – at the same time. A another style truism I've learned: Every girl should own a pair of stellar black heels that make her feel feminine and confident. Emergency shoe shopping is emotionally exhausting, not to mention expensive. A few years ago I got invited to attend a ritzy soirée. Instead of pleased I was panic stricken. With little time to shop, I bought the first dress that fit and a matching pair of shoes with a price tag even greater than the cost of the dress.

That kind of expense is also part of what has kept me browsing instead of buying the latest trends. As a mother, I'd rather spend my cash on my kids than myself but I've recently realized you can be posh and a parent. A little research will uncover some great bargains. I've already scored some fabulous finds on my newly started fashion journey. You can follow along at www.nounsandviolets.com. I'll show you the new stuff I buy and the old stuff I banish from my closet.

All I ask in return is that if you bump into Stacy and Clinton, you send them my way.

Thank you Melissa for contributing to Where is the ME in Mommy? but as far as Stacy and Clinton are concerned, get in line! Ha ha!


  1. lol! Oh I have been there! Being that I am a young mom - I have to be SUPER careful of what I wear or I look like my oldest child's sister. Not cool. I've been a lot more careful about what I buy for myself now - and it's helped a ton! I feel more confident, and I feel HOT! Not "cute."

  2. Great guest blog! Has anyone else had trouble getting to the Nouns and Violets page. I click on the link and get nothing.

  3. @Anonymous--yes! I am having trouble too. I even tried clicking in from facebook ("Like" N and V) and I still can't get it to open. Hmmmm...

  4. Sorry ladies! Server trouble. :( Should be fixed now. Ugh, what awful timing!

  5. I can only wish I weighed what I did before I had 3 kids. But I inherited the fat genes in my family so to lose this weight, I'm actually gonna have to work out...ugh.
    I still try to dress cute though because I have found out that it does no good to wear bigger clothes to try to hide the fat. It just makes you look a LOT bigger lol.

  6. @Melissa--I can totally see it now with ease!

    @Nikki--so true! Dressing your body always makes you feel good and look good! Thanks for stopping by!


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