Wednesday, June 9, 2010

What I Think About--Dating Your Husband

This was one of my first posts and I feel like I owe it to myself, my marriage, and to you and your marriage to re-post it (since I now have more than 6 readers!).

Matt and I have been married for nearly seven and a half years but together for just under eleven.  It was just the two of us (well, and two slightly dysfunctional dogs we played "house" with) for six years.  In that time we were given to weekend trips to New York, moving to Vegas for the summer, and recklessly wasting time and resources dining out, going to the movies, and sleeping in until ten (*sigh*).

My how things have changed since we had children!  Most of the changes have been good but a few times I've looked at my husband and tried to remember the husband he was before he became a father.

Let me say that no man has been or will be as great of a father as Matt is (I expect you to disagree so we'll just agree to disagree).  He plays with our children, changes diapers, makes toys, plays dress-up, cooks, carries, cleans vomit ... He is not of of those men who comes home from a long day at work and is "done" for the day. He finishes his day when I finish mine, and sometimes later.

Though I love and admire the father in him, I also yearn for the Matt who wasn't a dad--fearless, reckless, spontaneous, dangerous, carefree.  Deep down he still is all those things but the daily routine grinds him down.  What I realized this December is that he felt the same way about me. And what we learned was that the key to igniting the pre-parent passions we had for each other was within our grasp.

What follows is an excerpt from an e-mail Matt sent to me on December 1, 2009 in preparation for our anniversary.
I tell you all the time that you are beautiful, and I tell you often that you are a wonderful mother.  What I don’t tell you all the time is that you are so mysterious…and I love that about you.  Though you tell yourself and others that you like to plan, play things safe and keep control at all times, one of the mysteries of you is that those things are not entirely true.  Even though you would never admit to it, I have come to realize your secret affinity for adventure and more importantly… spontaneity. 
One of the things I committed to you nearly seven years ago was that I would make you happy.  And while I know that you are happy in a general sense, it bothers me that we so easily get bogged down in the routineness of being married, of being parents and of life tasks.  Every time I have asked you in the past three months about your happiness and what about life is causing you stress, it is the daily reality that is grindingly numbing.  You are so tough.  You raise our children with excellence, you care for your family and you are a wonderful friend.  But deep down, I know that a little adventure….a little romance…..a little passion and a little spontaneity just might create an opportunity for us.
Every day from now until our anniversary, I am going to present you with at least one opportunity to do something completely spontaneous.  There is no pressure on your part to accept each opportunity.  Some will be more adventurous than others.  Some may even stretch your comfort level.  But deep down I know there is an inner Bond girl dying to escape…
Thus was born the Legacy Parkway Spy School.  For the next twenty days Matt sent me on wild goose chases taking secret photos of him, creating movies, practicing "Unagi" (we love Friends), and learning how to box. These games, these spontaneous "challenges" were nothing more than little thoughts meant to brighten my day by reminding me that before I was a mom, I was a sexy, confident woman . . . and still could be.  

When I share this story with friends I always get comments like "I wish my husband would do stuff like that."  All I can say is this, DO IT FIRST.  Be the change you want to see in your marriage.
  • Date your husband.  
  • Wow him.  
  • Remind him that he is a sexy and confident man.
  • Remind him that before he was your children's father, he was your lover.  
I've re-created some of my spy school challenges (and created new ones).  
If you want to spice up your married date life, check out these links.  Do them. Have fun with them.  

If you blog, blog about the benefits of sending your man to "Spy School" (and send me the link so I can read about it).  If you don't blog, e-mail me messages and photos to post!

Bond Spy School for Hot Dads

If you want to bring back pre-baby passion to your marriage, I think it is partially your responsibility to inspire it.  Date your husband!

Just a little photo (one of the few we could post) from our Body Paint date night in!


  1. Sounds good to me. Did you CC my wife?

  2. @Ian--I'd love to CC your wife. In the mean time, send her to "spy school" to inspire a good date life! :)

  3. Love it! Oh girl I know that after we had our second child.. it seemed like "our" time was GONE. It took us a long time to get it back. Now, after three kids, we are so committed to each other, and DATING each other, that nothing is going to ever get in the way of our relationship again.. not even our kids. ;) We just came back from a weekend away and it was such a blast! I love my kids more due to the break (even though we saw them each day.. just not in the evening hours.. and we slept away at a hotel while my mom kept them) and it always keeps that spark alive for our marraige. I can't wait to go away again! :)

  4. If your blog had a "like" button then I would click it! :)

    I think this was one of the first posts I ever read of yours. Awww...memories.

    It's really good stuff though. You should write a dating column in Parents magazine or something! It's so important & unfortunately one of the first things to go in family life...even though the husband/wife relationship is the key to a good family life.

    Really good stuff!

  5. @Mandy--I'm daydreaming about getting away with Matt. *sigh* until then we'll just do our home dates.

    @Shelly--Tell PARENTS about me! ha ha. Whenever I've talked to people who say they come from a "broken home" they always mean that their folks are divorced. To me this *proves* that the husband/wife relationship is the foundation of family. And if we want a good family, we need good marriages.

  6. My parents have done the whole "date your spouse" thing for as long as I can remember. My Dad is a spectacular chef and so he often does home dates with my Mom by cooking up a spectacular meal and then they shut themselves out on their patio and having a quiet evening together. I remember being jealous about it when I was younger and not understanding why once in a while they needed to have "kid-free" time for an hour or two. Now I totally get it. :)


{Reverse Psychology}
I DO NOT like comments. Whatever you do, don't leave me a comment about this post or your thoughts or any connections you have to what I wrote. Seriously, I don't care.
(Did that reverse psychology work???)