Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What I Think About--Orgasms!

You're probably raising your eyebrows at this post.  Matt thinks it is pretty scandalous because it's a "mom blog."  NEWS FLASH--it's a blog about the roles women play--mom, woman and WIFE.


survey I read the other day said that 30-50% women are upset by how infrequently they have orgasms.

I started to think about this--a lot.  A ton of questions came to mind.

  • Is there some sort of expectation that women aren't supposed to get the same pleasure from sex that men get?  (If 30-50% of men didn't climax on a regular basis I'm pretty sure there would be revolutions).  
  • What does this reveal about the relationship between a woman and her husband?
  • Is it socially not okay for women not to have orgasms "every time?"
  • What affect, if any, does pornography have in all this?

Remember the quote from Outside Providence: "Sex is like a Chinese dinner.  It ain't over until you both get your cookies."?  What happened to THAT mindset?


Freud ruined it.


Freud broke the female orgasm down into two phases: clitoral (pre-pubescent) and vaginal (more mature).    In essence, women who were past puberty and couldn't reach orgasm through penetration considered themselves inadequate.  Thanks for the huge disservice, Mr. Freud because if you aren't self-conscious enough about your body, your boob size, cellulite and your leg hair NOW you can feel bad that you don't have an orgasm the "right" way.  That ought help the mental state in the bedroom.

Fast-forward to the new millennium and pornography is rampant.  Beyond the 50's pin-ups, men now have access to naked women on TV, Ipods, computers ... Sex sells beer and cars and running shorts and dental insurance.  Somehow these air-brushed, fake boob women deceive men into thinking that regular women everywhere are committed to ensuring male pleasure alone.  And I think this can destroy marriages.

In most cultures sex is generally viewed as enjoyment for men.  But I'm gonna be honest here.  I believe that sex was designed by God to be a loving, intimate, and pleasurable experience between a husband and a wife.  I don't think pleasure was intended to be a one-way street.  But that's not how it plays out, is it?  Now sex seems to be about reaching the Big O for yourself--not connecting with your lover.


I think sex has been twisted into a selfish act, not a self-less act.  


Consider 1 Corinthians 7:2-5:


... each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.


This is a deep passage and it is used in a wrong-hearted manner all the time.  Actually, I can visualize some man throwing this verse in a woman's face and demanding sex.  Man, if that is you and you are reading this mom-blog hoping to find a tool to coerce your wife into pleasing you, let me make it clear that this verse does not mean your wife has to submit to your every sexual whim.  If you want to read a verse out of context, I suggest you start with the one about husbands loving their wives like Christ loves the Church


To me, this passage is a celebration of sex.  God is saying--"Hey, I made you husband and wife to submit to one another.  To love one another.  To please one another.  Come together and enjoy.  Drink deeply, O Lovers!"

Husbands and wives are designed to come together sexually to please one another.  Wives please their husbands; husbands please their wives.


So what happens when this doesn't happen?


If the survey is right and 30-50% of women feel like they are duped in the orgasm area, I envision marriages of deep-seated anger and bitterness.  Can't you just see the thoughts that would run through the head of a woman who doesn't feel like her marriage sex life is mutually beneficial: 
  • "great, more sex for your enjoyment," 
  • "sex just isn't a big deal," 
  • "I bet *insert name of actor or guy you work with* is a much better lover than my husband. I bet he could really meet my needs ..."

And when this mindset sets in, sex becomes a weapon.  It's used to manipulate, to control, and to hurt.  What was designed to fulfill,       d  e  s  t  r  o  y  s. 


Is this you?  Have you been there?


If you want to know the truth, this was me.  I've been there.


woman with self-image issues + history of bad relationships + rampant pornography + miscommunication + worldly concept of sex = unfulfilled marriage bed


If you've been there--if you ARE there, take heart because a lack-luster sex life can be transformed with a little help from God.  Is it easy?  No.  Is it worth it?  YES!


The change in sexual enjoyment is a process.  It starts with open communication (yes, this means you have to find a loving way to tell your spouse that you'd like to please one another in the sack more!).  It includes making intentional time together (thus, dating one another on purpose).  It includes talking in bed--what works, what doesn't ...


For me what it really took was God reminding me that I am IT for Matt.  It is my high and holy calling to be the sole female who brings him pleasure (and vice versa).  (Is that how you feel?  Does meeting your husband's sexual needs feel like a divine right or a duty?)  God designed me to be Matt's perfect provision and when I grabbed hold of that truth and burned it on my heart, I was freed of the "I'm not good enoughs" that enslaved me. 


An amazing thing happened, the more Matt and I talked about sex and what we enjoyed, the more we explored one another, the more on fire our sex life became.  I thought he didn't want to please me.  He thought I didn't trust him to please me.  What we've figured out is we both desire to please and be pleased by one another.


If you are broken over your sex life, there is hope.  If you are being held back by past mistakes or pornography or cellulite, there is help.  If you want it and your husband doesn't it, you're not alone.


There are resources and people who will help!


Our favorite resource:
A Celebration of Sex 


Some other sources you might like:
Every Man's Battle 
Every Heart Restored
The Sex-Starved Wife (there are also sex-starved husband and marriage books)
Passionate Marriage (not Christian)


So what do I think about orgasms?  They are created for husbands AND wives to regularly enjoy because they are pleasurable, fulfilling, increase intimacy in marriage, and they knit a man together with his wife.


Here's to celebrating the gift of sex and orgasms with our husbands.  

12 comments:

  1. You go girl! This is a great post and I think if a woman says that she can't or hasn't resonated at some time in her life with something in this then I would guess she is lying. Or incredibly blessed & protected. I know so many women that deal with struggles in the sex & intimacy department. It makes sense...because sex is a beautiful and big part of marriage and Satan wants desperately to destroy our marriages and our men. This is a great post for a mommy blog because I think most married-mommys deal with this.

    I am a product of a renewed sex life...(can I say that online?). We've been married for almost nine years...and the first few years were definitely difficult for me regarding sex and having orgasms and just being comfortable and giving myself over to my husband. For physical reasons and due to my past. The beautiful thing is that our men want to love us and totally satisfy us...we just need to communicate with them clearly. I love what you said about "being it" for your husband and him being it for you. It is beautiful to think about! I'm not by any means saying I have this figured out complelely. But I am committed to continuing to grow with Matt (my hubbys name too) in this dept. To fulfilling all that God has for us in our marriage.

    I've also noticed that our love-making life balances out the rest of life. When one part is off-kilter then other parts are too.

    I better stop...before I write another blog in the comment section. :) Thanks, Reagan!

    Here, here...to celebrating sex & orgasms.

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  2. Ps...I'm forwarding this link to some of my lady-mom friends through email so maybe you will get some more traffic today! :)

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  3. GREAT post! And, I've been there, too. It seems like in my younger sexual days the message was pretty clear "you're there to please your man.. and that's it." It isn't that I didn't enjoy sex, want sex, or that it didn't feel good - but the ending was determined by when my man was done, and had nothing to do with me. (not that he knew that.. I'd never let him know that he hadn't pleased me bc I didn't want to hurt his feelings. can you imagine a MAN doing that? lol)

    Fast forward a couple of years into marriage and one kid later. We had a serious discussion about my sudden lack of interest in sex and it all came out. My low self-esteem was the #1 problem.

    Eventually I began a different conversation with myself. And it totally transformed our sex life. I wanted to be the only woman my husband could possibly think of, long for, dream about.. because I was so incredible in all areas of marriage. Even though it was hard to make these steps, I did it. And everything changed for the better! Not just better sex, (and lots of it.. hee hee) but a better marraige all around! Here we are working on 10yrs of marraige and three kids into this thing and we're still totally on fire for each other!

    Women have to realize that sex is just as much about their pleasure and fulfillment as it is for their husbands. If they're having trouble reaching the Big O, I highly recommend they find "tools" to help out in the bedroom. (with their husbands.. not on their own!) It adds a lot of fun if nothing else.. ;)

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  4. First of all, GREAT post!!!

    I would have to say that MOST women have felt this way at some point or another in their marriage. And how could you not with the way SEX is talked about and thrown around on television and everywhere else. It almost makes you feel unworthy when there is so much you think you need to live up to. Women are sex symbols and RARELY do you see guys being portrayed this way. Why is that?
    Well I agree with you, I think it's because the world wants you to believe that sex is for men only and women are put here to please them. Well I also think this is very wrong. Women desire this time with their husbands just as much.

    As you know, my husband and I have been discussing how to talk to our daughter about sex. I told him that I do not want sex to be a shameful thing in our house. Once we have this talk, if she ever wants to talk about it, we are going to talk about it. For so long I have been frantically hiding the word 'sex' from her, like when the T.V. starts blaring something inappropriate. I don't do this because I want to shelter her from sex, it's because I want to shelter her from the way that sex is portrayed on T.V.

    Sex is supposed to be a beautiful thing between husband and wife, but sadly this is NOT what the world teaches you.

    I don't think this topic is too taboo. I think more women should feel comfortable with their sexuality and feel free to talk about this, especially with their spouses!

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  5. First of all, I applaud my beautiful bride for such a heart-felt and real response to what she thinks about sex! Women should talk about sex in a real way, and judging from the other posts it looks like those who talk openly with their husbands about it have benefitted greatly.

    I admit that it is hard as a man to not buy into the popular message about sex. I am also aware (or try to be) of the potential for damage this has to my wife's self-esteem. But equally important for women to remember, is that regardless of the popular media's portrayal of sex, men suffer from self-esteem issues when it comes to sex too. Women cannot ignore the power they have over thier husbands when it comes to sex and thier bodies. I agree with my wife, an open ongoing dialogue has worked wonders, but more importantly is trust. Trust in yourself that you are sufficient for your husband, and trusting that you are enough for him as well. This is one department where men need to be shown not just told. So ladies remember, when you sexaully affirm your husbands you are building his self-esteem and more importantly giving him the boldness and courage to be "it" for you too.

    Great post Reagan. Love you.

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  6. Shelly--Thanks for your mini-blog thoughts. I love them. There is something about solidarity between women. If we can talk and be real then we can arm our children with the same freedom and truth. I really like what you have to say about satan attacking sex. Seems he will do anything to get us into bed before we are married and everything to keep us out of bed once we are married.

    Thanks for sending readers my way!

    Mandy--I really did LOL at your comment about a man not hurting a woman's feelings if he wasn't sexually fulfilled. I'd safe self-esteem and trust issues were my #1 issues too.

    Amy--I think your commitment to being open and honest with DD is amazing. If you and Shamus can talk to her about sex and how beautiful it is without being embarrassed or making it seem shameful then maybe you'll break the cycle of women suffering in sexual silence.

    Anonymous (aka my husband Matt)--Thanks for reading my momblog even when it isn't about sex. Your input is invaluable! I love you and you are worth all the hot silver gums in the world!

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  7. Hello, I am Amy's husband.

    Yes it should be an equal role for both people involved. My wife and I are very in tune with each other. We actually joke all the time that we are not perfect, just perfect for each other. I do believe this to my core, we are blessed to have one another and we compliment each other in every way.

    I know that our love and respect for each other is what God indeed created the two of us for. We do not hide our love for one another from our children. We try to show them how a husband and wife that are truly in love respect and care for each other. When our children are old enough (30+) to be in a mature relationship they can look back and remember what they saw growing up. Hopefully they can see if their significant other treats them the way they deserve, and if not see it for what it is and say goodbye.

    Sorry, a little off topic. We do talk openly about what we like and we are both eager to please and be pleased without a debt being owed. We are in love and this is the only way one can truly experience an orgasm for what it was meant to be. It is giving yourself to the other compleatly. Without Amy there would be no me (and no little bugs at our feet).

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  8. Shamus--Thanks for getting on a momblog and sharing!

    I'm so grateful to know that there are awesome parents out there who are showing their children exactly what to look for in a loving and healthy marriage--including the physical and intimate side! I wish you and Amy luck in teaching your DD about sex--though to me it sounds that the way you live and love will be an amazing testimony to your children.

    BTW--when I saw the "old enough (30+)" I started to giggle. Matt and I always joke that our daughter and grow up and date when she is forty! Ha ha!

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  9. Well, I'm sure you know that I love this post! And I'm glad that so many others are taking on the challege I issued today!

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  10. I was surprised to read this title after reading your bio. It just goes to show we are all 3D kind of women. No one can be placed in a box. Way to go! We need to have more christian talks about this going around.

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  11. Wonderful post. I really liked it and I agree on it all. It is an important part of the marriage and it is meant to benefit both parties. Thanks again I really enjoyed reading!

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  12. Thanks for this very enlightening post. I thought I would leave a comment since I live on the "dark" side (ie: no good sex life). I think there's probably lots more like me out there.

    "...take heart because a lack-luster sex life can be transformed" Sadly, I'm not sure this is always the case :(

    I've struggled with this for almost my entire marriage (19 years).

    Over the years I've attempted to speak with my husband, but it has never ended well....at this point I just accept that I will never, ever have great sex--ever...yes, sometimes depressing, but there is more to life than just sex (thank goodness!). Btw, I would love to have orgasams 30% of the time...it's more like 10%, maybe...ugh, too depressing to think about. Anyways, I'm at the point now where I'm just numb to it. I find no joy or pleasure in sex....it is all about my husband and his needs and I just endure. Honestly, I could go the rest of my life without ever having sex again and I'd be ok with that.

    The down side is that bitterness and anger can lodge deeply in your heart and that takes lots of hard work to overcome. It is something I work on everyday. I remind myself that there is joy to be found in so many other things. That is what I hold onto and that is what gets me through the rough patches.

    So, for anyone else out there that has a crummy sex life......take note, you are not alone.

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